What is anxious attachment?
Anxious attachment is a type of insecure relationship that people develop in childhood with their caregivers.
It can affect how they relate to others in adulthood, especially in romantic relationships.
People with anxious attachment often feel insecure, needy, and fearful of being abandoned. They may crave intimacy and validation, but also struggle with trust and independence.
In this blog post, we will explain what anxious attachment is, how it affects adult relationships, and what you can do to overcome it.
Anxious attachment is one of the four attachment styles that psychologists have identified.
Attachment styles are patterns of interacting and bonding with others that we learn from our early experiences with our caregivers.
They influence how we perceive ourselves and others, how we cope with stress, and how we communicate our needs and emotions.
Anxious attachment is formed when a child has a caregiver who is inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable.
The child learns that they cannot rely on their caregiver to meet their needs or provide comfort and security.
The child becomes anxious and fearful of losing their caregiver’s attention and affection.
They may cling to their caregiver, cry excessively, or throw tantrums to get their attention. They may also develop low self-esteem and feel unworthy of love.
As adults, people with anxious attachment tend to have similar patterns in their romantic relationships. They may:
- Fear abandonment and rejection
- Feel insecure and dependent on their partner
- Seek constant reassurance and validation
- Have an intense desire for intimacy and closeness
- Tend to feel or act jealous, possessive, or controlling
- Have difficulty trusting their partner or respecting their boundaries
- Have frequent conflicts or arguments with their partner
- Experience mood swings and emotional instability
- Have trouble expressing their own needs and feelings
How does anxious attachment affect adult relationships?
Anxious attachment can make it hard for people to have healthy and satisfying relationships.
They may attract partners who are avoidant, distant, or abusive, or who reinforce their insecurities and fears.
They may also push away partners who are secure, supportive, or respectful, or who challenge their negative beliefs and behaviors.
People with anxious attachment may experience some of the following challenges in their relationships:
- They may feel anxious and stressed when their partner is not around, or when they don’t hear from them for a while. They may constantly check their phone, email, or social media for signs of their partner’s interest or availability. They may also worry that their partner is cheating, lying, or losing interest in them.
- They may feel insecure and doubt their partner’s love and commitment. They may question their partner’s motives, feelings, or actions. They may also compare themselves to their partner’s exes, friends, or other potential rivals, and feel inferior or threatened by them.
- They may seek constant reassurance and validation from their partner. They may ask their partner to say “I love you” often, to compliment them, to spend more time with them, or to prove their loyalty. They may also test their partner’s love by creating drama, picking fights, or threatening to leave.
- They may have an intense desire for intimacy and closeness with their partner. They may want to share everything with their partner, from their thoughts and feelings to their hobbies and interests. They may also want to spend all their time with their partner, and neglect their own friends, family, or activities.
- They may tend to feel or act jealous, possessive, or controlling of their partner. They may monitor their partner’s whereabouts, contacts, or online activities. They may also try to limit their partner’s interactions with other people, or demand that their partner prioritize them over others.
- They may have difficulty trusting their partner or respecting their boundaries. They may accuse their partner of being dishonest, unfaithful, or uncaring. They may also ignore their partner’s requests, opinions, or preferences, or violate their privacy or personal space.
- They may have frequent conflicts or arguments with their partner. They may overreact to minor issues, misunderstandings, or disagreements. They may also blame their partner for their problems, or criticize their partner for their flaws or mistakes.
- They may experience mood swings and emotional instability. They may feel happy and euphoric when their partner is attentive and affectionate, but feel sad and depressed when their partner is distant or unavailable. They may also feel angry and resentful when their partner disappoints or hurts them, but feel guilty and ashamed when they hurt their partner.
What can you do to overcome anxious attachment?
Anxious attachment is not a permanent or fixed trait.
It is a learned behavior that can be changed with awareness, effort, and support.
Here are some steps you can take to overcome anxious attachment and improve your relationships:
- Seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand the root causes of your anxious attachment, and provide you with tools and strategies to cope with your anxiety, insecurity, and fear. They can also help you heal from any past trauma, abuse, or neglect that may have contributed to your attachment style.
- Learn about attachment styles. Educating yourself about the different types of attachment styles, and how they affect your relationships, can help you gain insight and perspective. You can also learn about the characteristics and needs of secure attachment, which is the ideal and healthy attachment style for adults.
- Practice self-care. Taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being can help you reduce your stress, boost your self-esteem, and increase your resilience. You can practice self-care by eating well, sleeping well, exercising regularly, meditating, relaxing, and doing things that make you happy and fulfilled.
- Cultivate self-compassion. Being kind and gentle with yourself can help you cope with your negative emotions, and challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs. You can cultivate self-compassion by acknowledging your feelings, validating your needs, forgiving yourself, and speaking to yourself as you would to a friend.
- Develop self-reliance. Learning to depend on yourself, and not on others, can help you feel more confident and independent. You can develop self-reliance by setting goals, taking action, solving problems, making decisions, and taking responsibility for your life.
- Build a support network. Having supportive and trustworthy people in your life can help you feel less isolated and lonely, and more connected and valued. You can build a support network by reaching out to your friends, family, or other people who care about you, and asking for help, advice, or feedback when you need it.
- Choose a compatible partner. Finding a partner who is secure, supportive, and respectful can help you feel more secure, supported, and respected in your relationship. You can choose a compatible partner by being clear about your expectations, standards, and boundaries, and by communicating them to your potential partners.
- Communicate effectively. Expressing your needs, feelings, and concerns to your partner can help you avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, and resentment. You can communicate effectively by being honest, respectful, and assertive, and by listening actively, empathically, and respectfully to your partner.
- Respect your partner’s autonomy. Allowing your partner to have their own space, time, and interests can help you respect their individuality, and foster trust and intimacy in your relationship. You can respect your partner’s autonomy by encouraging them to pursue their goals, hobbies, and passions, and by supporting them in their endeavors.
- Seek balance in your relationship. Finding a healthy balance between closeness and distance, dependence and independence, and giving and receiving can help you maintain a harmonious and satisfying relationship. You can seek balance in your relationship by compromising, negotiating, and cooperating with your partner, and by respecting each other’s differences and preferences.
Anxious attachment is not a life sentence. It is a challenge that can be overcome with awareness, effort, and support.
By following the above steps, you can transform your anxious attachment into a secure attachment, and enjoy healthier and happier relationships.
(1) Anxious Attachment: How to Know If You Have It and What to Do … – WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-anxious-attachment.
(2) Anxious Attachment: Signs in Children and Adults, Causes, and More. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/anxious-attachment.
(3) Anxious Attachment Style: Signs, Causes, and How to Change – Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/anxious-attachment-style-signs.
(4) Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style: Symptoms and How to Cope. https://www.verywellhealth.com/anxious-attachment-5204408.
(5) Anxious Attachment Style: What It Looks Like In Adult Relationships. https://www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html.
(6) How to overcome anxious attachment style | therapist.com. https://therapist.com/relationships/how-to-overcome-anxious-attachment-style/.
(7) How to fix an anxious attachment style – Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-to-fix-anxious-attachment-style.
How do I know if I have anxious attachment?
One way to know if you have anxious attachment is to take a quiz that measures your feelings and behaviors related to attachment styles.
There are several online quizzes that you can try, such as the ones from Verywell Mind, The Attachment Project, or Psych Central.
These quizzes are not formal medical or diagnostic tests, but they can give you some insight into your attachment style and how it affects your relationships.
Another way to know if you have anxious attachment is to reflect on your own experiences and patterns in your relationships.
You may have anxious attachment if you often feel insecure, needy, and fearful of being abandoned by your partner.
You may also crave intimacy and validation, but struggle with trust and independence.
You may tend to feel or act jealous, possessive, or controlling of your partner, and have frequent conflicts or arguments with them.
You may also experience mood swings and emotional instability, depending on your partner’s attention and affection.
If you think you have anxious attachment, you may benefit from seeking professional help from a therapist who can help you understand the root causes of your attachment style, and provide you with tools and strategies to cope with your anxiety, insecurity, and fear.
You may also benefit from learning more about attachment styles, practicing self-care and self-compassion, developing self-reliance, building a support network, choosing a compatible partner, communicating effectively, respecting your partner’s autonomy, and seeking balance in your relationship.
These steps can help you overcome your anxious attachment and improve your relationships.
(1) What Is My Attachment Style? Take the Quiz – Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-style-quiz-7562460.
(2) Free Attachment Style Test | The Attachment Project. https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/.
(3) Attachment Style Test: What’s My Attachment Style?. https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/attachment-style-quiz.
